I stopped doing a lot of things recently because I let negative thoughts consume my mind. For a moment, all that went through my head was “you’re not good enough,” “you’ll never make it,” and “I don’t know why you’re working so hard because your dreams will never come true.” Yeah, it got pretty dark around these parts. My thoughts crippled me so much that I had to take time off from one of my favorite things in life: blogging.
I absolutely love my blog. It’s is a perfect summation of all things “Alyssa.” I’ve discussed Beyoncé, my friends, my fish (RIP Karl), makeup, and all aspects of my dramatic life. I love telling whatever story in hopes that someone reads it and goes “yeah, I can do it. It’s going to be okay.” And while I’ve found myself constantly encouraging my friends to chase their dreams or to keep going, something in my mind brought me to a halt. I had to stop blogging.
Instead, I filled my time with a bunch of trash. I watched too much Netflix, obsessed over current aspects of my life that didn’t warrant too much attention, ate a bunch of junk food, gained 80 pounds, drank a lot of wine, and I had a billion 30 second dance parties hoping it would all go away. I avoided playing in makeup, avoided writing in my journal, avoided talking to my friends about what was really going on, avoided the gym, avoided my morning devotionals, and I mainly avoided all things that involved leaving my couch.
If you were to ask me how everything was going I’d reply “everything is everything lol” and call it a day. I wouldn’t tell you that I hadn’t accomplished any of my October goals even though I was working hard towards them every day and the thought of failing was crippling me. I wouldn’t tell you that I felt like I was in a rut because I have these big dreams and all the steps I was taking towards them hadn’t moved me any closer to my goal. I wouldn’t tell you that I broke down crying in the office one day because I thought “wow, this really is going to be your life forever because your other dreams are never going to happen. I hope you’re happy.” I especially wouldn’t tell you that the weight of everything going on in my life was starting to get to me. I wouldn’t tell you any of that.
So, like I said, I spent this past week in a pretty dark place. Then, I was casually scrolling through Twitter and I saw a tweet that reminded me that success is hard and never as easy as you thought it would be. I picked my chin up a little and kept scrolling. Later I saw, “find the strength to push yourself towards your dreams/ goals. it won’t happen overnight and you may not make Forbes 30 under 30. & THATS OK.“
I smiled, finally wrote down my thoughts in my journal, and kept scrolling. There wasn’t this dramatic “omg Alyssa you’re such a baddie and if you keep working hard you’ll accomplish your goals” realization. It wasn’t the Disney moment where I jumped off the couch and went on to instantly get all of my heart’s desires. It was nothing like that. But I didn’t feel so bad. Eventually, I felt confident enough to accomplish the smallest thing on my to-do list. The next day I changed the game and did another small, simple task. I was lit!
Don’t get me wrong. My life is still in shambles. It truly is. But, I’ve decided if I’m going down, I’m going down blogging. To some, this isn’t that big of a deal. I still haven’t talked to my loved ones about how life is really going, even though I suspect they’ll read this and send me concerned texts/calls/FaceTimes/letters/
DMs. I still haven’t worked out the master plan of my life. I still haven’t accomplished my October goals. But, I’m back to blogging. I’ve got to start somewhere.